Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

18 May

I have not written in a few weeks because of some seriously crazy weeks!   It is amazing how life can really pass you by if you let it.  I have been a bit distracted lately.  I have let myself become clouded by worry and stress.  I was reminded today that no one knows the future.  Worrying about what might or might not happen is not going to change a thing.  Worrying about tomorrow is only going to make you miss what is happening today…

Make your life something to remember- TODAY.  Have worries in your life?  Give them to your God if you wish.  If you are not religious, write them down and come back to it later.  Talk to a friend who can help you make sense of it (or why it makes no sense).  See a counselor- especially if your worry or stress is overwhelming you!  Worry and stress go hand in hand and has been found to be directly related to your chances of getting some form of cancer…  For real.  It does not help you and it does not help your body.

Can’t stop the worry or stress?  Try to balance yourself with things you enjoy like walking your dog, watching your favorite comedy show or movie or something that makes you happy.  We only have today, so do not worry it away… *hey- that rhymes. :D

 

To be loved

19 Apr

I may have got the short end of the stick when it came to children, but I can say one thing is for sure… I got SO LUCKY in the love department.  You dream as a little girl that you will meet your love early in life, become high school sweethearts and build a life together… but you never actually believe it will happen.  :)

I met my husband our sophomore year in high school.  We started dating our senior year and the rest, they say, is history.  We have not always had a perfect relationship, but I find that through it all, I know the meaning of true, real love.  Whenever I am having a bad moment, I remind myself that I am very fortunate to have this wonderful person in my life.  Not many can say that.  I have it all because he stands beside me.

Take a breath

18 Apr

To be honest, I have had a few hard months and realized that I have let the blog slip and have not fulfilled the promise I made to you, the reader, and Myself.  My new year’s resolution was about change… so in order to do that, I am evolving the blog.

I am going to focus on moments of inspiration in daily life.  I think we all get so caught in the drama of a chaotic life, that we forget what we are searching for, what we really are and what we owe ourselves.  I found this picture this morning.  It was a stressful day at work and amidst the chaos, I found a little inspiration.  This reminded me to take a breath.  There is so much more to our lives than the moments of stress that tend to take over when we let it.  When you get overwhelmed, step away, regroup and live life.

Bitter Sputterings

5 Apr

I have tried to sit and write this multiple times, but cannot seem to find the words.  So, instead of trying to plan my words, I need to just get it out.  My sister had her baby… my baby… the baby…  THE baby.  I saw the first picture of him today.  She posted it as her profile picture on Facebook.  Nothing could have prepared me for that.

My heart just aches.  I think of the future we had planned.  It is just too hard to think about.  He was never mine, but I still feel as though he is mine.  Needless to say, the last few weeks of going to the gym have been very helpful in distracting me from my feelings.  He was born on Tuesday and I have been so depressed that I have skipped the gym all this week (after doing so well the past month) and had Ben&Jerry’s almost every night for dinner. I think I am allowed.  LOL.

Long story short- it is over.  Our journey to having a baby is over, yet my heart still yearns.

My feelings have been crazy this past week.  Here is just one thing I need to get off my chest:  People who have heard about all of this keep suggesting adopting outside of the family or doing foster care or IVF.  They just do not understand the MONEY involved.  That shit is NOT free.  There is no easy solution.  We have money, but if it is sunk into fertility treatments, we will be broke (and not be able to support the kid).  Foster care involves paying for an initial home study running about $800 (and that is WITH the military discount).  It is called financial infertility…  If I cannot naturally get pregnant, I won’t have a kid. Period.

Here are some good ideas, but they do not work for everyone.  We unfortunately, like everything else, cannot fit into a mold… If baby bumps and babies are the “new black”, we are standing in the middle of the crowd in bright orange….

http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/insurance_coverage/creating-a-financial-plan.html

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Day 7

14 Mar

As many of you are aware, I did fertility treatments in our pursuit to procreate… and gained nothing but extra pounds!  I have been debating how to get back to a regular exercise routine for some time now, but woke up at the beginning of last week on a mission.  I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.

I joined a gym, joined a bootcamp class and set up a few sessions with a trainer.  The gym opens at 5am, so I am there at 5:30am and done in time to get back home to shower and make it to work by 8am.  While this may seem extreme, I find that, for me, I am much more motivated to go and get it done first thing than to do it after work.  Somehow, my excuses for NOT going are minimized by the lack of a thought process at 5am.  :)

Today was Day 7.  I have attended three bootcamp classes and visited three times for cardio.  You must be informed that I have not even stepped in a gym in so much as a year.  It has been YEARS since I was on a regular routine, but I really never had to have one…. until now.

My body fat assessment was today.  I walked out of the gym, got in my car and cried the entire 10 minutes back to my house and of course, intermittently for the next hour.  My assessment found, though somewhat arguable, that I was 142 pounds, 82 for muscle and… wait for it… 60 for F A T.  Can you imagine?!

What is the first thing I thought of?  Not that I have not been exercising, not that I have not had a very “clean” diet… just that I gained all of this weight for a child I will never have.  So sad.  Of course, I allowed myself to cry about this for a moment and then mostly cried about these numbers.  Of course, I am almost 30 years old… I cannot expect to be in great shape.  It is just hard to hear that you are 40% body fat.  

The trainer began to explain to me about diet, exercise, blah, blah, blah.  I then explained to her what I have endured medically the last three years specifically.  She got quiet pretty quick.  Now, she tells me that because of the thyroid problem, being brutally honest, that it will take twice as long to lose the weight and gain the muscle.  She says I will have to work harder and be more strict than everyone else…

How is it that not ONE thing can be easy- JUST ONE?  I worked 100% harder for a child and nothing.  Why should this be any different.  My body betrayed me then, why not with this too?

All I said to her at the end of the session was that I will do my best, but the numbers are not as important as how I feel and to fit back in my clothes. PERIOD.  That is why I was there: to feel better, have energy and fit in those size 8′s I have not worn in almost two years.  It looks like I am well on my way.  I already feel better and have a better attitude during the day.  I made it seven days and can make it another seven.  I am actually looking forward to another day of bootcamp at 5am, bright and early, well… its dark then, so dark and early. :)

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hey there universe

1 Mar

I often refer to the Universe.  It is my personal view of a higher power.  To me, the Universe is a force that is centered around us all, pushing and pulling, guiding and following, swaying and rocking.  It is both manipulator and manipulated.  I am a firm believer in Karma and whatever you put out into the world is what you will attract.  Does this always work?  Well… the answer is no.  If Karma really worked, this would be a much better world.  Life just isn’t fair- period.  Believe me, no one knows this more than the two of us.  But sometimes, just sometimes, the Universe throws you a bone, even if it is just for a few happy moments.

Lately, I have been quite furious with the Universe (if you haven’t noticed-lol).  With all that has happened, it is understandable.  In order to help me focus on my resolution of CHANGE, I “liked” a page called Positive Outlooks (see below for link).  It is a really great page!  Several times a day among the drama of my life and the drama of many others’ lives, you get a little dose of great motivation in the form of quotes, pictures and more.  One post today was simple and true and as the Universe does, put it there for me to read.

The Meaning to Life is to GIVE Life a Meaning.  

No explanation needed.  Now go to bed on that little mind-blowing quote!  :-)

Link to Positive Outlooks.

Old habits

19 Feb

It is definitely hard trying to adjust to child free life.  It seems that 2012 has already been the start of baby fever.  Everywhere I look are pregnant bellies, babies and MORE…  which is probably why I have had a bad week.  Just two days ago, I rolled over when my alarm went off looking for my basal thermometer to temp.  As funny as it is, it was also kind of sad when I actually realized where I was.  I have never even temped in this house, so that was strange!  I have had an odd cycle this month and of course, as with any habitual TTC-er, I started being hopeful and analyzing “stuff”.  It does not help that my period is due in a few days.  It was not until today that I realized that the possibility (because of timing) of pregnancy was almost null, should there even be a chance.  It is hard to reprogram yourself after being in the TTC mindset for so many years.

Because of the funk I have been in this week, dear husband has been pretty attentive.  He knows how to cheer me up without me even realizing I am happier.  He has a certain way of helping me think of other things, hence getting out of the funk!  I know there will be tons of weeks like this for a while, as my therapist said, but I am glad it was just a few days and I can get back to being myself… at least until the next episode. lol.

One good thing is that I amongst all of the bad stuff, I did tell DH that there was one good thing about no babies (how dare I!)- no sitter needed when we go to see our hockey team play next weekend!   GO STARS!  :)

one week challenge

12 Feb

All too often, we get pulled into different directions that take us away from our true path.  I keep reminding myself about my new year’s resolution which is all about perspective.  I have failed thus far to make a dent in changing how I see things.  I still find myself angry, tormented, and sad that I won’t be a mother.

I told my therapist about my sister’s facebook announcement and how it made me feel.  I am proud to say that I have restrained myself from yelling from the status update all that has happened.  It has not, however, prevented family from sending multiple messages asking me how happy I am to be an aunt again. I have not told them the real story (but I have also failed to respond to the messages- lol).

My therapist suggested that I take a break from Facebook because it does not help me focus on “me”. I decided to take up her suggestion and get away from all social media for just one week to see how it went.  At first, it drove me crazy (like all addictions) to not be on FB every hour seeing what was going on in other people’s lives (as silly as that sounds).  I realized after a few days how much better I felt to not see (and obsess about) tons of pregnancy posts, announcements and kid photos.  This is not to say that I am DONE with social media, but it does mean that it will no longer be a main part of my daily life.  There are so many other things to focus on (perspective!).  That one week away from all things media helped me to see that.  So, maybe that was step one on my way to change.  Can you relate?

CHALLENGE to my readers:  Take just ONE WEEK off of social media, blogs or anything that you regular.  See how it makes you feel or see things.  Post your results here.  I would LOVE to know what happens!

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my broken heart

22 Jan

Now that my birth mother has finally announced her pregnancy to the world, and by world I mean Facebook, I can finally respectfully discuss one of the most nagging parts of this failed adoption…  the birth mother was my sister.  I did not realize how much it would hurt to see it.  I should have been posting that my sister was going to make me a mommy, but alas, this is the story of my life.  I will not embarrass her or myself by bad-mouthing her, but I will say that I am hurting.

The part that hurts me the most is not that she changed her mind, but that she knew what this would do to us if it failed.  To me, it was betrayal.  I told her in the beginning that it was all or nothing and again at three months and then again at the first ultrasound…  She made me believe that I would be that baby’s mother.  If it were any other random birth mother, I would understand the risk.  I just never imagined she would hurt me with this.  If I had, maybe I would have went straight to the IVF and be pregnant right now instead of pursuing the adoption.  Nope, now the money is gone and it is just our little family of two.

So maybe you will now understand where the pain is coming from.  This is not just about my infertility or a failed adoption- it is about a sister destroying another sister with the only weapon that ever could have.

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100% life

21 Jan

Someone once said that life is 10% about what actually happens to you and 90% how you deal with those events.  I was reminded of this quote about a week ago and it has been on my mind ever since.  The following thoughts entered my mind:

* my would-have-been-birth mother needed to read this.  She was always the one saying she had been handed a few bad cards in her life and she is just making the best of it…  which usually involved making one bad mistake after another and not dealing with it.  She would just move onto another mistake…  thus her current situation.  She needed to read this so she could see that by changing her mind about our adoption, she is putting herself right back- permanently now- into the situation she was trying to get out of.

* maybe she did read it.  Maybe this is the reason she felt this little boy would be better off with her, however hard that is for me to grasp.

* lastly… maybe I needed to read it.  I have always been a true believer in making the best of things, but lately, I haven’t been living by that belief, obviously because of all of the disappointment I have endured.  Even when I try to put a good spin on things and focus on all of the blessing I do have, I still get pulled back into the bullshit.

I continued this blog to provide support for others, all the while moving on child free, but I am finding it hard to do.  I know it is the right thing for us, but it continues to hurt.  For years, my feelings centered around trying to get pregnant and the heartache that accompanies that.  Now, they center around being an outcast of sorts from the world and questioning why I was put through a continual roller coaster of hope and pain, with no positive result or reasoning.

Yes, that quote was definitely meant for me.  I need to make my life less about the 10% and more about the other 90%.

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just a phone call

16 Jan

It is pretty amazing how a simple voicemail can ruin your whole day. lol.
While at work today, I missed a call from a number I did not recognize.  I stepped outside to listen to the voicemail.  Tears began rolling down my face uncontrollably as I listened.  It was the OB-GYN for the birth mother.  My heart sank as I heard the woman talk about how she needed to get into touch with her and I was listed as a contact.  I do remember going to the first appointment where the birth mother listed me as an authorized person to receive information and obviously, had not taken me off.  Keep in mind that I have spoken to her just once since November (and that wasn’t really a productive conversation).  I started thinking about everything all over again.  The sadness overtook me once again.

Just this weekend, Chad and I were talking about future plans in the deer blind.  Everything sounded so good, especially when he said that if everything panned out, we would settle here, buy a house and “grow old together”.  Those sweet words gave me hope, gave me focus and gave me the encouragement to be happy with our little family of two…  Two days later, I am once again thinking about the guest room that was suppose to be MY little boy’s nursery, the boys’ names I picked out and so much about what could have been.  Our future plans could have been VERY different.  I cannot help how it makes me feel, but I remind myself to feel the pain and wake up tomorrow with a new attitude.

Grief is such a powerful thing.  It consumes quickly and thoroughly.  Luckily, I have a great number of friends that are sending good thoughts my way and who remind me that this too will pass.  I am very fortunate to be so loved.  One of the greatest quotes appeared on my Facebook this morning, maybe as a precursor to this event, to remind me that I must keep moving forward with positivity even in times of strife.  I hope it gives you hope too.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – MLK

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job day 3 & childfree pity

11 Jan

So, the good news is that I finally found a job!   It is temp to hire so I really have to prove myself before they hire me on.  So far, so good.  I just happened to call the staffing agency at the right time because not half an hour later, I got a call asking to interview with one of their clients- a utility metering company.  Needless to say, one interview and one week later, I am working again!!

Today was day three and I am so tired!!!  My brain hurts- lol.  What am I doing?  Well, I know what I will be doing, but I cannot exactly explain what I do…  Let’s just call it a maintenance dispatcher/data analyzer/property assistant/admin position.  There is so much that is involved!!  The job will be interesting and the environment is GREAT.  It has business hours, pays decent and is only two miles down the road- literally takes eight minutes to drive to work (through traffic).  Best of all, what company have you worked for that the owners bring their dog to work?!

The one and only drawback, so far, is that everyone in the office, with the exception of the owners, are very PROUD parents.  It seems like every conversation that is not business is about someone’s children.  Yes, I decided to move on childfree, but it still hurts when I think about what could have been.  I am trying really hard to be strong, think positively about the future and not obsess about the past, but I have my bad days.  Of course, my supervisor just had her second child two months ago, so each morning she has comes in talking about how she did not sleep the night before or how her three year old wet the bed.  I try to remember that no one knows my situation, so I cannot be upset with them.

I have been asked multiple times if we have children.  How does someone like ME answer this?  Of course, I don’t go the smart-ass route and say “God did not want us to be parents- we tried for 5 years, meds, fertility treatments, failed adoption and NOTHING.”  That does not make for good conversation-lol.  I usually just smile and say something along the lines of “we have two wonderful fur-babies”.  The sad part is that nine out of ten times, I get the pity look and the conversation ends there.  I think that hurts worse than anything.  Why does EVERYTHING in my life have to revolve around children (or lack thereof) and when I try to push past it, the universe grabs me, laughs in my face and then rubs my nose in it?  It seems never ending…  Yes- the childfree adjustment continues.

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Furbabies

4 Jan

Lola & Charly

My mother-in-law calls them “her grand-babies”, my father-in-law calls them “his ladies”, my brother calls them “his nieces” and we call them our KIDS!  Lola is our oldest, a Westie and our baby is Charly, a 18 month old pug we adopted about a year ago.  To a few, pets are more than just animals; they are members of the family!  After going on an interview today with a company, I realized there were many more out there like us!!

Upon entering the facility, I was greeted by the sweetest little ihasa apso!  Part of the interview questioning was “did I have dog allergies” because “this is the boss’s child” and they bring her to work with them each day!  I found it refreshing!  It says so much about the owners and the company itself.  (I have not heard back about the job, but keep your fingers crossed!!)

When we got Lola, almost four years ago, we were living in Germany.  Germany is amazing in that they treat animals with great respect.  You can take them almost anywhere and that is where Lola developed her princess mentality that she still possesses today!  Now, Lola is lucky if she gets to ride in the car through the drive-thru somewhere and I hate it.  I know this is random, but as it gets closer to Lola’s fourth birthday, I think about where the time went, what she has been through and what WE have been through together.

My Little Lola

I think about…

  • the weeks she spent lying by the door when Chad left for Afghanistan and how no matter how much I cuddled her, she always went back to the door so as to ask “when is daddy coming home?”
  • the instances she licked the tears from my face when all I could do was cry from loneliness.
  • the longing in her face that made my heart melt when she would hear Chad’s voice resonating through Skype.
  • Lola sleeping in our suitcases each time we had to move so as not to be left behind and how she still gets nervous when a bag is pulled out of the closet.
  • the day when we moved from Germany back to the States and the airline lost her for 24 very long hours.  I hated that Delta treated her as another piece of lost luggage and how they could not understand why I was so hysterical about a dog.  (Side note:  Never use Delta if you have pets!!)
  • the four surgeries she has endured (one spay and three on her poor knee) and how I couldn’t feel more like a mother during those days when there was nothing I could do to make her pain go away!

Above all, I think of her loyal companionship all of these years and how lucky we are to have her (and Charly) in our lives.  Some people question whether animals have personality, attachments, emotions, etc., but if they knew my fur babies, they would not need to…
Happy 4th Birthday, Mama Bear!

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Reflection

24 Dec

Merry Christmas Blog Fans!  I wish you all a wonderful Christmas and want to thank you for sticking it out with me.  Your support is what keeps me writing!  I know it is not always the most upbeat topic, but you guys keep reading!!!  If I have provided support to you, you are encouraged by the blog or you have suggestions about what you would like to see, please do not hesitate to comment or message me.  I love to hear from y’all!  Thank you so much guys!!!

The holidays are all about reflection.  Reflection about the past year, what is important and evaluating those choices for the coming new year.  Unfortunately, the roller coaster of hope and disappointment cycled many times through the year.  I could look back at this year as a complete failure and frankly, it is hard not to.

It was the year that we went through three failed fertility treatments, a failed adoption, and my immediate family and I parted ways.  For now, I try to see it as the year that my marriage changed for the better, the year we moved back to Texas and we became especially close with my in-laws.  I can also say that for the first time in a while, I saw the outside of a cloud I have been trapped in for many years.  Most of all, I decided to be happy.

This Christmas season has been somber for me.  I have been unable to get into the “cheer” that the holidays usually bring me.  I grew up with the idea that Christmas was for children.  Obviously, I need to change that ideal.  There are many ideals that I have to change.

This brings me to my New Year’s Resolution.  For 2012, I have set myself on a journey to change.  Change my mentality, my perspective, my attitude and above all, change my life.  I keep saying that I do not know what the future holds- this is actually okay with me.  I will change my life by living every day to the fullest and experiencing it as it is.  No more wishing and hoping and no more stressing about things I cannot control.  Of course, this will be a journey and will take some time to learn, but I will find “the happy”.

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Acknowledge

18 Dec

Bad day today.  My therapist keeps reminding me and encouraging me to experience the pain, acknowledge the hurt and it will help me move on.  A particular event tonight prompted me to utilize this technique.  Wrong thing to do…  No one should ever act on something when they are emotionally charged.  They end up thinking with their heart, not their head and no one wins.

It is true that I was in shock when the birth mother told me she had changed her mind about the adoption, and I felt that she needed to hear the real feelings, most of which was of anger and of betrayal.  It has taken me weeks of carefully planning my words and what I wanted to express, only to forget all of it when the time came.  Because of the event immediately preceding our meeting, I snapped.

What did I expect her to do?  I half expected her to cry with me.  Better yet, acknowledge my pain and acknowledge that her decision caused it. Nope.  In fact, she got angry with me.  She said that when she told me she had decided to keep the baby (a month ago), she asked me to tell her how I really felt then and that was my chance.  I think to myself, “how is my chance to express gone?”  For me, this pain is ongoing.  It doesn’t have a time limit or expiration date.  As awful as it sounds, I wanted her to feel just an ounce of the hurt she has caused me.  Again, this was the wrong mentality, but that is what happens when hurt feelings take over.  The conversation ballooned from there, as all emotional conversations do, with both of us saying things we probably did not mean.  When she wanted to walk away, I told her she owed it to me to hear me out.  She felt she did not owe me anything.  She is right: she owes me nothing, but I did believe she would give my feelings the respect and reflection I felt they deserved, even if it was “a little late”.  I do not know why I expected a different outcome, but I did; and that is where that story ends…  with a slam of a yellow car door.

As a society, in general, we want someone or something to acknowledge us, our feelings and our place in this world.  Most of the time, this never happens.  After several hours and hundreds of tears later, I have to remind myself that I do not have to have my pain or hurt acknowledged by anyone.  What I feel in my heart and soul is acknowledgement enough.

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This is a gift

16 Dec

It’s been a few weeks since the bad day.  I have been going to my therapist pretty regularly and it has helped so much.  I realized today that I am actually getting better.  I got a message from a dear friend I met through BabyCenter.com.  She has suffered more heartache in the last year than she deserves.  She is finally pregnant again and messaged me this morning to tell me her blood work came back with great results.  This might finally be her “take home baby” after several devastating miscarriages and countless inferior doctors.  Honestly and truly, I feel pure joy for her.  Really.  It has been the first time in a long time that my first reaction was not sadness for my own journey.

She mentioned that she did not know what she did to deserve this gift when so many others deserved it more…  I told her, not even thinking before typing, that it was not about who deserved it more and I meant it.  It was about what they could do with their gift.  I know she will be a fantastic mother and will treasure this special life she is given.  Her children will have so much love and she will be the positive influence that helps shape our society.  It is all too often these days that people who are given gifts in life and never truly see what they have or appreciate what they have been given.  She is definitely not one of them, but it made me think that maybe I was when it came to being childfree.

What can I do with this so-called gift?  I still do not see this as a gift quite yet, but I can see that there is a positive side to this.  What can we do with our lives that we would not be able to do with children?  We can mentor youth, coach sports or activities, be a pet-sitter more often, go on last-minute trips, devote ourselves to our careers, etc.  We can impact things differently and still shape society.  I know that there is a gift in living childfree.  Moving forward, I will try to see things more optimistically and be more appreciative of the things in my life, even without children.

Berlin neighborhood park, taken by C Brown

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Job Search

13 Dec

Having been out of work for going on four months now, I am beginning to make certain judgements about our job market.  Here are four observations I have made in my job search.

1.  Everything is going to virtual applications only.  The days of actually going to the company and speaking with a manager are long gone.  I have applied via the internet to every single position I have been interested in.  I physically went to many of them to speak with a manager to introduce myself (because that is the professional thing to do and because resumes do not always communicate a person’s value) only to be turned away because “a recruiting firm handles their applications and they do not have access to the resumes.”  How can a recruiting firm make a judgement on someone without even doing a phone interview?

2.  I have also received too many emails from companies that indicate they believe I am qualified but they have “too many applications to interview everyone”.  I work in Human Resources and understand the mindset of only interviewing the most qualified candidates, but at least give me five minutes on the phone if I have the qualifications!  One of the most important aspects of Human Resources that I have learned is that many people are so much more than their resume gives them credit for.  Companies are turning down valuable assets because they lack the effort of recruiting.  Which brings me to the next item…

3.  I find both in myself and in others that experience is not everything!  Yes, this is essential, but there is so much more that employers need to look to and what I have instilled in my own work.  Ability to learn quickly and adjust accordingly, communication skills, work ethic and personality (applicable to position and company) are things that do not communicate well on a resume…  It requires an interview.

4.  I have a lot of negatives working against me.  The area we live in is HUGE and there are just not enough professional positions to go around.  I am a military spouse, which means that I have several jobs on my resume over the last four years, making me less appealing.  I have been out of work for months, making me less appealing.  I do not have my degree yet (although I am working on it), making me, you guessed it… less appealing.  I have been working for the government for the last three years, making me less appealing- in the civilian market.  I am use to making a pretty good wage normally, which apparently is much too much for this area, again making me less appealing.  There are just so much not in my favor.

The one thing actually working for me is persistence.  Luckily, my husband has a steady income that pays the bills, but we have very little wiggle room for anything else.  I also hate staying at home.  I have to keep busy, which I guess is why I have great work ethic.  I have had moments of discouragement, but overall, I know that there is a company and a position meant for me.  I remind myself daily that I am valuable and will find the right position in time.  I have been offered a few, but of course, they were close to minimum wage, which is significantly lower than my normal salary range (I believe in salary negotiation, but there is a big difference between negotiation and low-ball).  It is an employer’s market, so they can pay much lower.  Going forward, I have changed my methods including joining LinkedIn, going company door to door and networking more extensively.  I know that the right position will come- I need to keep looking and applying.  Anyone else in my place?

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Perspective

6 Dec

I saw my new therapist on Thursday, for my third visit.  It was here that I drudged up all of the drama and disappointment from the last three weeks.  It was here that it came out about purpose.

She said, Not all purpose comes from a life choice.  Sometimes, you do not get to choose- it chooses you or it remains unseen.  For now, you may feel as though you are lost in the dark.  It may be awhile before you find that light, but that is okay.  You just need to know that there is purpose for all of this.

It did not really hit me until I was getting my internet news fix this morning.  I stumbled upon an article about Giuliana Rancic.  For those who are not in the know, she was on E! News.  She and her husband have their own reality show, mostly surrounding their battle with infertility.  I connected with her immediately as so many in the infertility world have.  She brought the “I” word to the public eye.  We watched as they shared their life, their miscarriage, their IVF failure, their “Year of Fun” and the return to IVF only to be diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  She went on the Today Show and revealed she will be undergoing a double mastectomy soon.  Though I do not know her personally, my heart breaks for her.

Giuliana’s purpose is to inspire and encourage others through her difficult journey.  She has had to go through more heartache in two years than many of us have endured in ten.  When I think about all of the whining I have done, I feel a bit embarrassed.  Yes, I have endured some things, but this amazing woman went from battling infertility to battling for her life.  My thoughts and prayers go out to Giuliana and her family.  I hope that her procedure is successful and she goes on to finally fulfill her dream of children.

 Link -Giuliana Ranic on the Today Show

 

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Childfree Travel

30 Nov

Spinning off of the Vegas idea…  I started thinking about the many places that we could go without children.  As much as I want to go to Universal Studios and Disney, I am still adjusting to the “child free” lifestyle, so those places are not ideal at this moment.  This prompted some thought and some research.  I found some resources and wanted to share.

Our trip to Berlin (the Reichstag)

 

CHILD FREE TRAVEL RESOURCES 

FACEBOOK Childfree Travel
BLOG Childfree Places
AMAZON Childfree Travel Book
BLOG Childfree Travel

I also started thinking about my friends who are still TTC and being around children tends to, well, from experience, make them want to crawl into a little ball in the corner and die… literally speaking.  That is not the best scenario when vacationing.  So, this is a great option for my dear parents-to-be.

A little advice from a 5-year veteran… not planning something or planning accordingly because you might be pregnant is not the route to go!  I know how hard that is and it is so much easier said than done, but believe me, I wasted too many months planning around trying to conceive.  I will never get those opportunities back.  My thought process, hind-sight being 20/20, I think I would have much rather had to cancel my plans due to pregnancy than miss out on a once in a lifetime opportunity.  I actually almost cancelled our trip to Savannah because we were planning an IUI for that month.  I am so thankful I chose the vacation over the IUI because it was an experience we both needed (and the timing for the IUI actually worked out WITH the vacation!).

ALSO… thank you to my BBC friends who have been such amazing supporters during the last year…  You are the reason I continue on, both emotionally and through this blog.  I miss chatting with you ladies!  THANK YOU.

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Lucky #7

29 Nov

So, I have been doing research on our trip to Vegas Christmas 2012.  I want to be highly informed before I go to a few travel agents.  I am a bargain-hunter and vacations are definitely important.  I have been able to travel so much because I have got the greatest deals with a small budget.  No one messes with my money!! lol.

My husband has been to Vegas twice and did pretty much the same thing (sleep and gamble), so he is no help.  This will be a family vacation with Chad’s side, but it is also our “anniversary trip” as our wedding anniversary will be two weeks later.  We are celebrating “lucky year #7″ which is highly ironic in my eyes. lol.  We were married Jan. 7, my lucky number is seven and this will be anniversary number seven!  It has to bring us a little luck I hope!

Since I have never been, I am not sure of the cool things there.  Can you give us a few ideas for what to do, both for fun and then also for our anniversary dinner and/or show or something?  I have even considered proposing we renew our vows while there (it is super cheap!).

IDEAS!!!  Please!

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